No such thing as perfect ...

Truthfully it is incredibly easy to hop on line and write pretty fluffy words that are all positive and leave you with a warm fuzzy feeling but honestly I do not think life is that way.  There are days that I feel great, silly, and goofy but I also have those days I feel like a am so exhausted I want to stay in bed (might be the fibromyalgia speaking there) and that my mind second guesses everything.  That might be the side effect of bad choices I have made in my life in the form of bad relationships.  I know I am not the only person in the world that has dated ex's that tore down our self esteem so low that we question everything about who we are.  For me I have the ex that let me know I was ugly without my makeup and that I was worthless.  I hate the fact that now twenty years later I can still hear and feel the sting of his words banging around inside my head.  I am intelligent enough to know that I should not give the creep any power over me but I can not help it.  So on a weekend even when I know I am not going to be leaving the house I put on my makeup.  Not to impress anyone other than my husband but I am constantly worried he might look at me and think "yikes".  I wish I could shake that habit.  My husband tries to tell me he finds me attractive without the make-up and that he even prefers seeing me but I look in that mirror and all I see is the circles under the eyes, the age spots on the cheeks, caused from working outside too many hours, and every other flaw (of course some days all I see is the flaws).  The real question is why in the world do I let an alcoholic idiot influence me after all these years? 

If that is not bad enough, he had a habit of calling phone sex ladies (a bit before Internet obviously) another issue I have with feeling good enough or sexy. Not to mention that I have a separate ex who was all about the Internet porn.  Now I am not trying to start a debate regarding that issue I know some ladies have no issues with it but I do.  I want to be the one my man thinks about not some perfect version of a woman that I have no hope to live up to.  Both these men spent a great deal of cash on their habits, some of which was my money.  The icing on the cake was how they never wanted to have sex with me.  How is that for an ego boost? They both broke me in ways that is hard to put into words.

It is funny that I know that they both were the ones that had issues and addictions (I admit that I was suffering from the "caregiver" syndrome .. picking men that needed taking care of) yet their words and actions have invaded my brain for years.  I have amazing trust issues that I struggle with because I have that proven track record of believe the most outlandish of lies.  This all invades my current marriage and I am working at letting go of. 

I do feel sorry for my husband because he has this insecure wife who freaks out when I do not know what is going on (okay freaks out might be too strong of a word but I do ask him a million questions).  We are an interesting couple actually.  Every girlfriend/wife he ever had cheated on him and lied to him on a regular basis and well my complicated past includes an alcoholic, a manic depressed, porn addicts, and artful liars.  I am trying to learn to give my evil voice an outward voice, not to scare the heck out of him but in the hopes that he can start to understand how my mind sometimes over analyzes the dumbest things.  I can not say that it will help or hurt but at the age of 40 it seems like I need to start facing and battling these "demons" in my head a little harder because I am tired of the people that have hurt me having so much control over my life now.

signing out ...